Contemplation

This past week it would seem I have found a lot of time for introspection. More than likely, it has something to do with my participation in Change the Way You See, Not the Way You Look week courtesy of Caitlyn and her Operation Beautiful. I composed my two last posts with the aim of dealing with the negative issues I've had in my life. Afterwards, I spent a lot of time going over the motivations behind those posts.

I asked myself many questions:

"Do I really think that badly about myself?"
"Is my image situation really as disheartening as I make it sound?"
"Why do I compare myself to other women?"
"When did I stop being so hard on my academics and begin beating myself up about my looks?"

"Do I really have anything to complain about?"

Honestly, my answers to these questions can vary depending on quite a few factors. After writing the posts about my body image issues I seriously started to question where I came up with those ideas.

This particular train of thought gave rise to a serious examination of my goals, motivations and expectations. Do you want to know something?

I don't have a clue.

My opinions oscillate so much on a daily basis that I might be radiating some kind of electro-static field. The truth is, I'm still searching, experimenting, failing and succeeding. At 21 years of age I'm not done trying on personalities and habits for size. The good news is that so far, a few things have stuck.

Upon taking a closer look at my habits, I noticed that I'm a bit flighty with my interests. But at this point in my life I feel it might be a good thing not to be too into my little rut. I've tried on yoga and want more of it. I've taken up a dance fitness program called Zumba and adore it. I've discovered a natural talent for belly dancing and have become hopelessly addicted.

Oh my, you must be thinking. Such a busy girl. How can she find time to be insecure?

Easily, my friends. It is extremely easy to doubt yourself when doing so many things because the reason I pile so much onto my figurative plate is because I'm trying to distract my mind from my insecurities. Perhaps avoidance is not the best policy. Which is why I am grateful for having discovered Operation Beautiful and so many of the talented and inspirational bloggers who have reached out through that organization.

I have been given the opportunity to take a long, hard look at myself and for once, I'm not focusing on my love handles or my cellulite-speckled thighs. The truth is, I love what I do and I love myself. I do this in spite of my many issues, and if keeping busy is they way to prevent my mind from turning to darker places then it's probably not the worst thing I could be doing.