Of all the possible ways to refer to the self I am most fond of author Terry Pratchett's so-called "black space behind the eyes". Within that space I am only vaguely aware of what I look like in the real world. In fact I'm larger than life in there and probably translucent while we're at it.
For this reason I find self portraits to be challenging. Rather than portray myself realistically I have a tendency to fantasize and satirize myself. There's little cartoon me's scattered all over my room; and yet they are not me. My self is the one I know most intimately. My flaws, hopes, joys, dreams, strengths and ideals are bound up in one very inadiquate and squishy packet that fails to communicate the very characteristics that compose it. And that, my friends was a very complex way of saying that I don't wear myself on my skin.
My self is in a constant state of flux. It shifts with every morsel of knowledge I aquire to the point where very few of my opinions can be pinned down. I can say with absolute certainty that I am not ready to be set in my ways and for that matter, I may never be. However, having to carry out round after round of verbal sparring with myself can have its pitfalls.
I don't always know my self and I would rather not pretend to. This blog is a rather convenient way of keeping track. With time I will probably look back on my very first posts and cringe with embarassement the way I do when I unearth a journal from my early teenage-hood. However, looking back through it will do more for my struggle for self-portraiture than any number of sketches.
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