Aspirations

If you've known me for this long you know I love to work with my hands. From a circle my hands can create a face on paper. In the darkroom my hands coax pictures from light and chemicals. My hands spin friendship into fabric and love into food. I love my hands and I thank them.

I had aspirations of becoming an artist but I caved to the litany of protest. I was 'too smart' as if artists were dumb has bricks. I would never find a job and consequently I would never make any money. I caved because at sixteen years of age I was still sure that what adults told me was the truth.

The TED talk re-enchanted me with art. It reminded me that no artist has to be bound to one style or identity though many artists do indeed fall into that trap. If I was to make art I would want to do it like this. I have no interest in excluding audiences sharing an obscure inside joke.

I'm not perfect. Those old fears still hold me back. I draw yet the pictures don't often reflect what is in my head. I don't feel I have to freedom to create as I would like and this upsets me. You always see these messages where you are reminded to care little for what others say and live your own life. I would be lying if I said I take that message to heart every day.

Letting go takes a second. Convincing myself to do so is a continuous and frustrating process. The little girl who didn't have many friends still wants to be accepted, included and well liked.


Why am I still afraid?